Journey to Inner Space

Fueling the Flame

by Sihnuu Hetep

3 min read

When I dare to be powerful, to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid.” – Audre Lorde

I remember single motherhood in my early twenties bringing me the most savagely terrifying and revealing years of my life. After burying my son at age 24, I moved through a period where everything felt like it was spiraling down.  I hadn’t worked a 9 to 5 job in over two years, I had left school to be a full-time family woman, and although I had strength in spirituality, my self-esteem was inconsistent. Feelings of incapability crept in after losing what I thought would be a lasting family unit, and more importantly, myself. My outer world reflected the turmoil I felt inside. Things were falling apart. It became hard for me to keep up with my responsibilities outside of mothering and even that was compromised by the instability that came with having to create new resources for myself and baby girl on my own.  Everything seemed to be crumbling down, and questions around my Dharma plagued my mind. I wanted to know what I was here to do now that life had challenged me in the way that it did.  I was being cultivated spiritually, without knowing this period in time would catalyze an expansion that would reroute the course of my existence. While I didn’t have the privilege to sit and pull the answers, I still managed to pick up the pieces and move through the rubble. Sh*t had to get done. I had a two-year-old to take care of, my bills didn’t let up, and in the midst of it all, I had a longing to occupy my fullest potential in a way that contradicted the way I was presently living. 

The Solar Plexus, located at the navel is the seat of personal power, self-esteem, courage, and purpose. It’s element, fire.  In the years that followed KhemRa’s transition, I had to cultivate my inner flame to keep myself from spiraling down. It was self-efficacy that I leaned on to push me through and forward. Before I could connect to my purpose or my own resilience, I had to feel capable again. Yoga was the way I chose to explore my body,  thoughts, and spirit all while cultivating mastery of the practice on my own.  As I advanced, my confidence grew and in 2011 I started cleaning yoga studios in exchange for free classes at a local Washington, DC studio. After a few months,  I applied for a teacher training scholarship and completed my 200hr teacher certification.  

Receiving my certification set off the first of many pursuits that affirmed the direction I was headed.  During the first few years of teaching yoga I experienced a lot of rejection, but also in the mix were many experiences that let me know I was in the right place. For one, yoga was a practice where I could explore myself while holding space for others. With every class I taught, I received a gem that I could apply to my own life for growth. This is what I needed at the time, to hold and be held. I became a better mother, a better friend, a better lover, and most of all better to myself. The questions in my mind started to stem from playful curiosity and self-reclamation rather than a space of insecurity. I grew fearless of my own depths, and closer to the flame. My students and I continue to grow together beautifully. 

As goes on, my teaching grows stronger and my purpose becomes more clear. I started to see that my journey was less about what I did regarding occupation and more about how my actions align with the core of my being. My morals, values, and a balanced sense of self take the forefront despite any challenges I face. I learned that I have to be brave and committed to the things that made me feel passionate and empowered. I am  fueled by a fire that burns away fear, transforms feelings of inadequacy, and ignites an inner knowing that everything in my life is contributing to a grand purpose. I honor my Solar Plexus Chakra by maintaining healthy boundaries, taking risks, and fearlessly walking my path.   While the road has been rocky for me, I know that I’ve been guided by Source to opportunities that lead me back to my truth and healing. I am grateful to the steady blaze that guides me every day. 

How will you honor your inner fire with your actions?

Yours in truth and wellness,

Sihnuu Hetep